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Friday, 16 May 2008

Cute and wanted. Me?

       "You're cute!" That's what she said to me just as I had the door open and was about to leave. Laurie and I always had the greatest conversations whenever I drop off or pick up my dry cleaning. Her fountain of endless stories flowed from the colorful life she lived before settling down and purchasing the dry cleaners. She always mentioned about the Japanese guy she dated 20 years ago. Things were great, chemistry was great, but eventually he asked her to come to Japan and she got nervous. Now, a single mom with a teenage daughter, she doesn't regret her decisions but she would flirt with the "what if's?" in her mind.

       2 weeks ago, my trip to the dry cleaners was no different. Picked up my 2-piece black suit, we chatted for about 15 minutes, she told me about the dog she knew named Henry, but it was when I was about to say good bye is when she dropped the C-bomb on me - "You're cute!" I was at a loss at this unprecedented moment. Dumb founded I responded, "Wow.. Thank you! That just made my day!" She proceded to tell me, "Yeah... if I was 20 years younger.............. I'd go for you." I parted with Laurie with sore cheeks from a grin so large it went from one ear to the other and then perhaps wrapped around my head. That day, I was deemed worthy to "go for" by a girl.

       I was always the kid who got picked last in gym class. I would sulk in dread whenever the chemistry teacher asked us to pair up with a partner. I would always end up with Keith, the other kid who nobody wanted. Recess consisted of looking for a cool crowd and standing near enough to look as if I'm associated with them but far enough so they wont notice me and then start making fun of me. School bus rides were a complex scientific formula of determining the section of the bus that had the lowest concentration of cool people (you get picked on less) - but this had to be determined within 4 seconds of walking on the bus. For every second beyond that increases the awkward factor by 20 percent/second. Since every seat is usually taken up, those who are sitting by themselves are all thinking, "Oh no.. is he going to sit next to me?" "Stop following me! How come you always follow me!" That's what Neil said to me when our Media Center class was asked to look for a partner. Neil was the class dweeb.

I grew up as Henry the Unwanted One.

       "Come follow me." That's what Jesus said to me. God doesn't want me because nobody else wanted me. He doesn't want me out of pity. He wants me because it's simply His nature to love His own creation. However, I do take comfort in the fact that throughout the Bible, Jesus had always shown compassion on those who are marginalized, sick, poor, weary, and burdened. I admit, many times I cant fathom God's love for me. Why would anybody want me? Not even Keith and Neil wanted me! I don't know. But God wants me. He wants me BBAAADDD! I always feel that Jesus got ripped off when He paid for my sins. But all the more, His sacrifice for us all is one of those things that moves me to tears.

       For me the tables had turned. I am no longer Henry the Unwanted One. I am wanted by the One cooler than any cool person during recess time. I am loved by the source of all love. I confess, many times I want to be wanted by certain people, or community, or organization. Sometimes I do cry out, "Why cant those I want, want me?" But I believe I cant be so self-centered... I mean c'mon... the MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE wants me. How much more wanted can I be?!!! And plus, in addition to God, my lovely dry cleaning mistress had boldly made clear to me....   I am wanted! Maybe I'm just looking for love in all the wrong places.

Thursday, 07 February 2008

Chinese New Year Day Off???

        Today is Chinese New Year. I stopped in work today to load a file into my flash drive. The place was silent and cold - the way it should be on New Years day. The call came in yesterday from our boss that we can leave early and take Thursday off. My face dropped and my eyes were unexcited at the news, not because I hate getting day offs. But I knew that people will never take a vacation from being in need.
        Currently, I am in Memorial Hospital - a too familiar scene for the past 2 months. A long time friend of 17 years has been walking a tight rope of life, death, infections, heart attacks, sepsis, and kidney problems since falling into a coma in December. Amazingly he's awake but that does not mean there are no complications. There were many nights that I sat in the hospital speaking to a man I had no clue was able to hear me. There were even nights when I sat in his room when his feeding tube was removed and we were waiting for him to pass away (but then the miracle kicked in and it was put back in). Yesterday the hospital felt he was well enought to be moved to a nursing home. The excitement was short lived. By 3a.m. he was back in the all familiar stale-air, vanilla-off-whitte walls, and sporadic beeping of his hospital room. Donna & Jeff rush to the hospital. Several hours later, they asked if my friend would be alright if they went home to sleep. He shook his head "no." He was scared. Taking shifts between Donna, Jeff, and myself, we were determined to not let him be alone. He didn't want to be alone. So here I am during my Chinese New Year day off.
       Everyday there are people who are alone and scared. They are the tired, the frustruated, the hurt, the needy. They are those who's parents divorced and mother is now sleeping with another man, they are those who are beckoned by just one more drink, they are those who's heart is broken because of a girl, they are those who see themselves as ugly, they are those who could go through the entire day without saying more than 50 words, they are those who could scream but no one would hear.

       Why am I drawn to these places of need? Why does my heart break for these? As I sit in this room filled with gadgets that is keeping my friend alive, I'm finishing my applications to pursue a degree that I've been toiling over for the past 2 years. Why get a degree that doesn't bring in the mula? I will never do the back-stroke in money like Scrooge McDuck in Duck Tales. I will never be able to enjoy fine dining whenever I want. I will never be considered a "good catch" by Asian parents (or their daughter for that matter). But I am drawn to these places of need because I am in need. The good news is that the Lord Jesus Christ satisfies. And it's my conviction to bring this refreshing glass of water to those who are tired of drinking dry sand. This is my burden. It's a tiring burden and many times lonely.. but the world will always need social workers. Sheep will always need a pastor. The sick will always need a doctor. The world will always be in need. And I don't intend on taking a day off from that.

Sunday, 16 December 2007

My Heroes!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9-PPFA48AY&feature=related

hahaha.. 1:20 - 2:05 hillarious!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1ZTbfxCABw&feature=related

Saturday, 01 December 2007

In Need

        Henry is in need. This is the conclusion that I come to whenever I feel insufficient. I am in need because I do not have. I do not have what it takes to be in that romantic perfect euphoria that is exist in my head and it is longed for because it does not exist outside of my head. I thought to myself, maybe I can achieve this experience if I get a more profitable degree. Maybe I can feel more sufficient if I made more money. Maybe I don't have to be in need if I already HAVE.
       Ironically, I do HAVE. I have a God who created me and loves me and a Savior to prove it. His grace is sufficient. So why is Henry still in need? Because I know I still do not have. Yes I do have a relationship with the eternal God but I don't have the utopistic life that is so longed for in my head. Immediately I realize that what I long for and what I have are not similes but are paradoxical.
       I love the simplicity and yet profoundness of Descartes' statement, "I am, I exist" (a.k.a. "I think therefore, I am"). He was able to marvelously prove to himself that at the very least - he exists. His awareness of himself proves to himself the reality of his existence. In the same light, can the awareness of being IN NEED prove to us that we LACK? Can the awareness of LACKING prove to us that there exists something TO LACK? It sounds sick? Yes I know. But bare with my ramblings for 1 more sentence. Being in need reveals that there is something bigger.
       Yes, having a relationship with the living God is birthed out of need. But this relationship must not be engaged IN ORDER TO fulfill that need. If we expect to have our needs satisfied like little boys who believe a DS will revolution their lives with ENDLESS and infinite hours of sweating-stylus-gripping-fingers-non-stop-brain-age-enhancing-mind-stimulating-action only to be disappointed until they quench their hunger once again with a new game - we too will go through the same mouse race. No, I am not in a relationship with God for the money, the fame, or the glory and all the other ways that I can achieve the perfect little world in my head. This would be self-serving and presumptuous of God.
       Christianity is not a religion (birthed by man to satisfy an appetite), it's a relationship. It's a relationship that is entered when one comes to the world-stopping reality that he is IN NEED - perhaps one of the only ways that God can get through our resistant nature is by the fact that this state is not the only life to be lived for. This is an ironic but beautiful relationship - we can not begin HAVING until we see that we NEED.

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Louis Lane.. waiting for a better man

(Scene from Superman Returns: Clark comes back to the Daily Planet)
Clark Kent: Wait she's married?
Jimmy Olson: Yes..... No.... well it's more like a prolonged engagement. But don't ask Miss Lane when she's tying the knot cause she hates that question.
.........
Jimmy Olson: You know.. if you ask me... but she'll never tell you this. But if you ask me I think she's still in love with you know who.

        Richard (Louis Lane's fiance of 5 years) is just a human who needs an airplane to fly around just like any other man. He's a reporter.. a very good one... but JUST a reporter nonetheless. He's a little short... can drive cars but cant pick them up and throw them. He's in the newspaper all the time but that's because he writes them and not the one being reported on. Superman on the other hand. He's famous... he's buff... he's diesel... he's powerful... he's gentle... he has a big heart... and with him you would never have to pay for an airline ticket ever again (talk about fringe benefits). Everything a girl would want and more.

Richard White: Did you love him?
Louis Lane: C'mon he's Superman.. EVERYBODY loved him.
Richard: But did you?
Louis: (after a hesitant pause) No.

       Louis knew she was lying to herself and to Richard and to her son Jason. She didn't "prolong" her engagement because of her career or she was too busy. She didn't marry Richard because she was secretely waiting for Superman. What drives some women to hold out for someone better when she already has a man who would stop at nothing to love her?

       It may be true that Richard is not as good looking or famous or able to wear bright red underwear on the outside and look good doing it. But he is willing to put his job aside, drop everything, and risk his life in order to protect Louis. In real life I see great guys who are completely head-over-heals-devoted & commited to a woman to the point that they would completely turn their life around to prove it.

       We always want more. Maybe we hold out for something better. Maybe we hold out for a fantasy. A mentor told me once that most people look for love before they make a commitment but he challenges people to commit first before love. It's tough, I see a lot of couples have severe problems because they don't realize what they already have. They want something from the other person that only God can satisfy and therefore is inevitably dissatisfied.